Today finally proved to me that there's something wrong with me.

All it took was for me to get lost in the middle of the night without any gas and my "check gages" sign going off, and presto: I'm a fucking mess. My car's still sitting out in the driveway without any gas; I'm going to have to ask Sean's dad to either put some gas in the car, or ask him to take me to the gas station to get some gas to do it. Either way, I'm fucking done with myself.

You hear that, Sean? I'm fucking through with myself. I can't take myself any longer. I can't decide anything for myself anymore. I can't stand to listen to myself talk, or even think. I'm beginning to feel horribly, horribly alone while standing in the middle of crowded rooms. I can't figure out anything for myself. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I can't do math. I can't write anymore. I can't play games anymore. I can't stand to be around myself anymore. Everything I say annoys the piss out of me. I'm getting mad at myself for no reason other than the fact that I'm a cynical, needy, greedy little bitch. I'm sad because I can't change it when I want to so badly. I feel like I'm losing those closest to me; namely Sean.

The worst of it all is I feel so fucking lonely. So goddamn fucking lonely that I want to rip my hair out. Even in the middle of the mall, even when laying in bed next to Sean, even when talking on the phone to Thania, I'm so fucking lonely all the time. Everyone in the goddamn world but me could have died and rotted away and it wouldn't feel any different.

And now I'm crying uncontrollably because I know my car is out of gas, and I'm miles away from a gas station, and I don't want to ask Sean's dad to help me. And I don't want to ask Sean, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm crying because I'm so done with myself. I'm so fucking done. I'm done missing my long hair, I'm done with feeling so unattractive, I'm done feeling helpless; most of all, I'm done feeling so alone.

I've been apologizing so much, lately, for things I shouldn't be apologizing for. And that's one thing that's starting to piss me off. I'm apologizing to Sean for going off on him when I should be able to! He fucking breached my trust, and I let him get away with it. How could he not expect me to still be sensitive about it? How can he be so insensitive at all? I don't fucking understand.

Fuck. Just, fuckin' fuck.

I want.... something. I want to not be so mad at myself. I'm just so fucking angry at myself. I don't know why. Because I love too hard, trip too much, think too deeply. I'm cynical, I'm cautious, I'm insecure. I want to be liked, and try hard to be liked. But in trying to be liked, I find myself to be just the most annoying thing on the planet. And it drives me nuts. Like a gnat in the eye, or a mosquito in the ear.

And Sean. Fuckin' Sean. I love him. Oh god, do I love him. I would do anything, kill anyone, for that boy. He is everything I could have ever asked for. But I don't know how he feels. A week ago, I would have said he loved me. But I don't know anymore. How can anyone love an abomination like me? A tiny, ugly little gnat of a girl who think she knows everything and doesn't have an inkling of a sense of humor. How can he love me, if I can't love me? Why can't I?

I failed my math exam. I don't know this for fact. But, process of elimination told me so: I don't test well, and halfway through I blanked. Fuckin' blanked. I fuckin' studied my ass off for that thing, and I fuckin' blanked.

What the hell?

And it's fucking 3 in the morning, and everyone's asleep. I'd give anything to talk to someone right now. I really want to talk to Sean. I feel like I've held back all this when we talked, and now I just want to let the gates open and the water flow. But he's tired of me. He's tired of listening to be apologize, tell him things will get better. I hope they do. But I don't see it. I'm holding him back. He told Austin I'm holding him back. I don't see how; I told him to stay in school. I don't see how I had any control over his actions. Why do I have to take to blame? God dammit. What a lovely little hole I dug myself.

I don't want God. I don't want Satan, either. Or any deity. I want me. I want to find faith in myself. Because I can't depend on anyone but me. Everyone else has failed me.

Ughhhh. Fuckin... god dammit. I'm so fucking fed up with myself right now.

I need a new LJ, and therefore a new LJ name.

I dunno, something more mature, I spose, and not something I thought up on a whim because I was obsessed with Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris."

Totally off topic, I had a dream that Sean, Austin, and I all went to a mall in another state to go Christmas shopping, and I wanted to go to the sex shop to buy dildos as presents.

The fact that I wanted to buy dildos isn't what bugs me; it's the fact that in my dream, I was having a lot of fun shopping for dildos with Austin and Sean.

This is definitely not mine, and all credit goes to one Direndria on deviantART.com.

So this picture really struck me somewhere deep down, but I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with the sad, doubtful look on his face -- the half you can see, at least. It's like he's just done something so horrible, so atrocious, and yet he could not see any way around what he did.

(This is, of course, what I thought before I read the artist's notes, but that is neither here nor there.)

I'm not really one for fanfiction anymore -- that was time and time ago, I suppose -- but this picture really makes me want to write about paladins. Or, a paladin-like figure.

If I do, I'll be sure to post it.

I can feel my biological clock ticking, and for some reason I get mixed messages about it.

All these people I knew from school are getting married and having babies. I'm happy for them, really. And while I'm being happy for them, I yearn to be able to put pictures of my babies on facebook for everyone to see. Look what I did! Aren't they beautiful?

Of course, last week my period was late by a day and a half, and it freaked the shit out of me. Looking back on it, I don't think the possibility of being pregnant was what freaked me out. It was knowing that if I had been pregnant, I'd need to tell Sean. And my family. And his family. But mainly Sean. And I know that it would have scared him absolutely shitless.

I was freaked out because I knew it would freak him out. If I didn't think it would, I probably would have been as happy as a clam.

I'm watching Sean now; he's immersed in the new Prince of Persia. I wish I could tell him how vividly I could imagine him kicked back on the couch with an xbox controller between his hands and a sleeping infant on his chest; Sean would be biting on his lips in that way that he does when he's concentrating really hard, and the infant would be sleeping steadily until it twitches at the sound of Sean's voice when he curses quietly upon seeing his character accidentally fall into water and drown.

My babies will be nerds. I'm sure of it.

I just wish my clock would just make up its mind.

R.I.P Otto "Ham Sammich" Bouchard

The deceased body of Otto "Ham Sammich" Bouchard, 5, was discovered on the night of November 30, 2008 in the waffle-block house in the corner of his cage. Coroner's reports state that he died of old age and a crotchety demeanor, and that he died peacefully in his sleep. He is survived by his cagemate, Dexter "Punkface" Bouchard, and a voluminous human family.

Rest in peace, good buddy. Hope you're chewing on all the shoelaces you could ever want, and chilling out to all the good jazz music ever made for all of eternity.

So, a number of big decisions have dropped themselves on my lap, and I think I'm ready to make up my mind about them.

I've finally come to decide that I'd like to be an English and Creative-Writing teacher at the University level. To get there, I've decided to finish up my degree and teaching certifications at John Tyler, and then teacher at a couple of high schools for a few years. Preferably Manchester. I think it would be nice to "come home," if anyone gets what I mean. Granted, I wouldn't be working with the wonderful Mr. Kevin Mooney like I would have loved to do, but I think it would be good to carry on what he started at MHS.

While there, I'm going to take my time away from my curriculum to get married and start a family. Yeah, that's right. Sean and I want to -- and will -- be getting married. It's official. At least on LJ, it's official. It won't be official-official until sometime during the holidays, when we decide to sit down with our families and let everyone there know.

I can't wait to see the look on Granny Mencarini's face. She hates me; I hate her. It'll be fun, and I'm going to love it. (Why am I enjoying these vindictive emotions I'm experiencing just now?)

So during the Spring, Fall, and Winter while I'm teaching high school, and doing the whole family thing, I'm going to take my master's courses during the summer. I figure if I do it that way, I'll be making enough money to pay for the classes, as well as continue to learn and re-educate myself so I will be better prepared for recertification every five years. Jeff Beatman, one of the most respected principles in the county until his retirement four years go, told me that that is a great and innovative idea; many teachers don't think to do that.

Hopefully, after a few summers of master's courses, I'll have the degree and experience I need to start working at colleges. I'll probably start at John Tyler, since they're always in need of teachers, it seems, but I think I'd like to end up somewhere north. Maybe Massachusettes, or Pennsylvania. Penn State would be fun, I 'spose.

That said, I think I'm going to make a new LJ. That's not neccessarily as important as my other decisions I've made, but it takes forever for me to think of a new LJ name, anyway.

So Obama won. McCain lost. Can we kindly continue on with our lives?

The result of the election neither disappoints me, nor does it make me leap for joy. I'm actually quite mixed about the whole thing; more mixed than I thought I would be.

It really does make me happy that America found it in itself to vote for a black president. No, really; it does. In all honesty, I didn't think I'd see it happen in my lifetime -- or at least, not until I was really, really old. It's not because I believe in racism, of anything, but because of where I grew up: South of the Mason-Dixon, and essentially in the heart of the Confederacy. People here just don't like to do innovative and new things like that. That's just the way it is, thank you very much. So to see Virginia go blue for the first time since the seventies -- for a black president, no less -- really blew my mind; I never would have expected it. And truthfully, it was a pleasant surprise.

So it's definitely not the fact that he's black that gets me.

It's the fact that according to statistics 92% of the black people in Virginia who voted in the Fairfax-Manassas area -- an area that plays a major role in Virginia's electoral vote -- voted in favor of Obama. Any number that high tells the reason why they voted for him was because of the color of his skin, and not because of his policies. Likewise, only 52-ish% of the white people here voted. This makes me believe that there was a higher majority of white people voting for him based on his policies, versus the black people voting for him based on the color of his skin. With numbers this skewed, it's hard for me to belive that there were a lot of people who were making a very uneducated decision. And, for the record, I'd like to make it clear that that uneducated decision was not voting for Obama, but voting for a candidate based on his skin color. As a white person who has studied the history of some really lame white presidents, I'm rather sure that I can conclude that voting for a president based on the color of his skin is never a good idea.

Do I think McCain would have made a better president? The truth is, I don't think he was the right republican candidate, so in a way I don't think so. Even if he had gotten in office, I don't believe he would have gotten much done. Not because he's old, or he's republican, or even because Palin is his VP. Just because of the amount of control the democrats have over the House and Senate right now; even if McCain won, I think the House and Senate would have toyed with him like we've seen in past presidencies of some unsuccessful presidents.

Before anyone comes at me calling me a racist GOP kid, I'd like to point out that I have never really affiliated with any one party. Personally, I feel like gays and lesbians should be able to get married and have the same rights as hetero-couples. I'm pro-choice, and feel that no man in a suit should tell me what I can and cannot do with my body. And I think there should be more gun-control laws, because it just seems to make more sense to me.

But, I was never against the war. In fact, I could never quite understand why the bleeding-heart liberals couldn't understand why we were going in the first place. It wasn't oil. And while it wasn't for WOMD, it was for the hundreds of thousands -- maybe millions? -- of people who were persecuted because the government couldn't just grow the hell out of the 1500's. If the liberals want our hard-earned money to go to the less fortunate, shouldn't they want us to help those people out there who couldn't help themselves?

That argument, like I've said before, is neither here nor there. The point is, I fall right in the middle of Republicans and the Democrats, and this election was tiring for me. In the end, I respect the country's decision, and respect Obama -- both as a man and a leader. While I may not agree with a lot of his policies, that's the only thing I can do now.

Congratulations, Obama, here's to hoping your term goes well.

I'm going to entitle this "The Presidential Election of 2008 Through the Eyes of a Moderate Voter as Inspired by the Elwynn Forest Chat in World of Warcraft."

McCain would win because he's a white male. He would also win because his VP is a woman. And, he would also win because he's a Republican (and most of the old fogeys out there just love Repubs.)

However, McCain would also lose because...

... he's a white male.

... because his VP is a woman.

... and well, because those who are not old fogeys feel jaded from Bush's presidency.

That said:

Obama would win because he's a black male. He would also win because his VP isn't a filthy stinking rich guy (at least, that's what I've read.) And, he would also win because he's a Democrat (and, let's face it, there are a lot of voting college students.)

Sadly, Obama would lose because...

... he is a black male.

... his VP isn't a filthy stinking rich guy (though, this is could be wrong.)

And, well, because a lot of old fogeys don't like Democrats.

Really, seems like a win-win, win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose situation. I really do enjoy the fact that McCain has been a thorn in the Republicans' side for the last some-odd years, and finally got the nomination to do something about it.

Thing is, if he were to kick the bucket (and at 72, this is entirely possible) Palin would take office. And, well, I don't much like Palin. For my own reasons that do not pertain to anything I've written. I also feel very strongly for the separation of church and state, gun regulations, I'm pro-choice, and I think that gays should be able to get married.

I enjoy how Obama has moved a vast majority of people with his speeches and his little slogans. "A Time for Change." Yeah, I can agree with that. It sucks having to spend $4 for a gallon of gas.

But the idea that a reasonable amount of my hard-earned money is going to support people who need to stop squeezing out welfare-children doesn't sit well with me. It isn't that I don't think people should help the poor; it really isn't. It's the fact that as of right now, I humiliate myself every day by making 950-calorie drinks and serving brownies to fat slobs who can't pick up after themselves, smell like they've been stewing in their clothes for three weeks straight, and think they're superior to me because I'm doing a service for them. At the very least, I should be able to keep more of my money in order to support myself, shouldn't I?

Perhaps I'm being too narrow-minded; which is entirely possible.

Either way, I hate being a moderate. For every 1 piece of good, there's always 2 bad.

Why does setting up for direct deposit at GameStop have to be so goddamn difficult?

I just want some extra money for the holidays, damn.

And I'm not one to think much about fanfiction, either. But I've always wondered what a House/Silent Hill crossover would be like. I think it's because I have a crush on House.

I've never been a racist person. Nor have I ever been a discriminating person, either.

But for some reason, when a gay teacher came up to me in the JTCC library and told me in his flamboyant way that I could not sit at the computer I was at because a class was coming in 15 minutes, I wanted to punch him.

When he walked away, I called him an asshole under my breath. I am in a library, after all.

I don't know if it was because he was gay, or because he thought he was being polite in telling me to move when he was really coming off as an arrogant ass, but I really hate that guy.

I wish I wasn't so quick to be so awful about people, sometimes.

There are some people -- and you know who you are -- who I miss so dearly sometimes. Who I want nothing more than to run to them with open arms and wrap them in a tight hug and tell them I love them and that I'll always be there for them.

Most of the time -- about 99% of the time -- I'm sure that they would do the same.

Right now, I'm having one of those moments when this gross missing-feeling truly hurts.

I've decided.

As soon as I can... I'm going to start learning French.

And that's that.

To those who had wanted to join in on a round robin, IE: Robin, Leslie, and Dina, the community is here.

I'm still working on it, though.

By this, I mean feeling like I've put a lot of effort, time, energy, patience, and compromise into something only to find out that said effort, time, energy, patience, and compromise just wasn't enough; particularly because things weren't happening as fast as planned.

But what I hate worse is the fact that plans had been set, signatures had been signed, and we had been put on a waiting list for a place that was already hard enough to get into... and suddenly everything just had to fucking change. I hate it when plans have been set and suddenly changed. Not because I don't want to put forth the effort to adapt to the change, but because all my time and effort, which I could have spent doing something more productive, are now all wasted.

You know that feeling you get when you're about to step into the realm of sleep and you suddenly feel like you're falling, so you jerk awake? Or when you're standing on a carpet that someone yanks out from under your feet? That's a lot like what this feels like.

Why does it have to be so hard to find reliability in situations as these? Actually, that's wrong. I guess what I should ask is why can't I find anyone that will put forth the same effort into something as I do? Is it really that hard to find that kind of reliability these days?

Now that I've vented, I'd just like to say to persons unnamed: thanks for making this situation so much more complicated than it really needed to get. I'll especially be thanking you when I can't get a lease because there isn't someone to fill your spot.

So, now that I'm legally able to drink, I decided that its time to think of more important things.

Things like my future. Children, husband, job, etc. I'm 100% sure that I will have children. However, I'm only about 90% sure that Sean will be the father of them. Why? Because I can't predict the future, and I need that 10% of uncertainty to cover that.

Eh. Fuck the 10%. I'll go with 100% certainty.

I've decided on one name for a potential daughter. Sean likes it too. The more I repeat it to myself, the more it appeals to me. I'm assuming that's a good thing:

Alison Rose.

ALISON
Feminine
Usage: English, French
Pronounced: AL-i-sən (English), a-lee-SAWN (French)
"Of noble birth."
Norman French diminutive of Alis (see ALICE) a short form of Adelais, itself a short form of the Germanic name Adalheidis (see ADELAIDE). It was common in England and France in the Middle Ages, and was later revived in the 20th century. This name became popular in France and England in the 12th century. It was borne by the heroine of Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' (1865) and 'Through the Looking Glass' (1871).

ROSE
Feminine
English, French
Pronounced: ROZ
"Of the Rose Blossom."
Originally a Norman form of a Germanic name, which was composed of the elements hrod "fame" and heid "kind, sort, type". It was introduced to England by the Normans in the forms Roese or Rohese. From an early date it was associated with the word for the fragrant flower rose (derived from Latin rosa). When the name was revived in the 19th century, it was probably with the flower in mind.

"I just thought you could use a naked troll with purple hair."

These things just make my day so much better.

:D

[insert something witty and intelligent]

I'm feeling very off today.

Currie, I just realized you added me a friend on LJ. =/ So I'll go through and comment later.

In other news, today is Sean's and my fifth anniversary! I'm so excited! I think this is a big milestone for us. The only thing that's kind of sort of disappointing about this is that when we get married, we'd have to start all over again with number one.

"Daddy, how long have you and mommy been married?"

"Six years."

"How many years have you and mommy been together?"

-sigh- "Twelve."

Heh.

Dude, someone keeps paging the phone and won't go pick it up. How annoying is that?

My head is so full.

Like an overstuffed armchair, or a waterballoon with too much water in it.

Note to self:

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a writer when you grow up.

NOTHING.